Season 3

I had a wonderfully fantastic weekend, it goes without saying, i mean, i spent a lot of time with Jake, went to Rutgers and got sushi with Ruscoe, saw Greg, Jordan, and his lovely wife, and i even got to see my favorite band (Staind for all of you that don't know) and the reunion of Stone Temple Pilots. Needless to say, my weekend fucking rocked!

But for some reason i have this terrible feeling in the back of my stomach and this ever growing nag in the back of my brain that the fun times are going to end real soon. I don't have a job, my money is running low, and i owe the government and banks more than i care to share with you, so i guess i have a reason to be a bit worried. it's not like me to worry tho, not that I have ever just blown off responsibilities, but i have always just done what i was supposed to do and everything just has always tended to fall into place, i just don't know if this time it is enough.

There are mainly three things that need to be fixed right now in my life, my financial situation, my weight, and my employment situation. I feel that the first and third go hand in hand so i will start there. I am doing everything i fucking can to get a job. I want to start out waiting tables, so i have put in resumes in a bunch of places that fit my financial need. I'm not talking about going back to Friendly's, I'm talking nice places with bars and adults that tip well. The fucking economy is so upside down right now, jobs are at a premium, unless you have a degree in some sort of business related field or at least 3 -5 years of experience in any other. It is rough, and i don't want my parents to shoulder my burden, at least not fully. They work too hard.

As far as my weight, which directly influences my degenerate disc disease in my lower back (aka back pain) I'm doing it there too. I go to my physical therapy three days a week, and I am back to eating turkey and egg whites. It's great. At first there was no motivation behind what i was doing, but then i got some amazingly, yet indirectly, fantastic news and I am motivated more than ever, which is the perfect storm for what I am trying to accomplish.

It all came to me on Friday. I was driving to Rutgers with Nick and he decided to take the Turnpike, and for those of you that have ever taken the New Jersey Turnpike you know there isn't much to see. En route to Rutgers we drove by these long buildings. We must have driven by at least a half dozen of them. The buildings consisted of 20 - 30 loading docks for trailers to load their stuff into, and that's it. Just a long row of white garage doors, all the exact same, and it got me thinking.


There are people out there that go to these doors everyday to load up their trucks and deliver nameless product to nameless store. The truck driver, the guy who opens the garage door, the guy who helps load the trucks, and the guy that oversees the whole thing. Everyday these people do the exact same thing, the exact same way, in the exact same place, where all the doors look exactly alike.

This scared the absolute shit out of me.

I am scared that I am going to crash and burn so fucking bad, and I am going to be stuck in some sort of monotony where I will spend the rest of my life just drowning away, making no difference, being completely unhappy. This isn't to say that what those people do isn't important, someone needs to do it, and I applaud those that can, I just don't want to be stuck in a predictable situation.

I look at my mother and I see how goddamn happy she is at work. Sure, she wakes up everyday at the ass crack of dawn to get ready to go teach disrespectful and unappreciative high schoolers about Shakespeare and whatever the newest author of the month is, but she loves it. She truly loves what she does because she feels like she is making a difference.

I want that.

Yet those white garage doors got me so worried that I am going to become what everyone, including myself, says I'm not. Predictable. I am trying to fight it and fight it yet as everyday passes, I feel more and more...typical.

And this makes me fucking petrified.